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University of Nebraska at Lincoln - Department of Psychology
Family Emotions Project
TIPS FOR A HEALTHY FAMILY
The Platinum Rule For Supporting Your Partner
At times, life can be stressful. We all face problems now and again that make us feel distressed, overwhelmed, or confused about how to handle what is going on in our lives. Research shows that your partner can be a huge asset during these difficult times.
A few examples of times when you or your partner might desire support include when:
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you’ve had a bad day or are in a bad mood
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you are going through a particularly stressful time
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you are working toward a personal goal (e.g., trying to quit smoking, trying to exercise more, trying to find a new job)
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you are having a problem with another person (e.g., a coworker, your boss, a family member, a friend)
Our research has found 4 primary ways that partners can support one another.
A few examples include...
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Esteem/emotional support: expressing confidence in your partner’s ability to handle a difficult situation, listening to your partner talk about how he/she feels about a problem
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Physical comfort: providing physical acts of comfort such as holding your partner’s hand or giving him or her a hug
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Informational support: sharing knowledge or insight, giving your partner advice or guidance about how to solve a problem
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Tangible support: taking care of the problem for your partner or taking on other responsibilities so that your partner has more time to deal with the problem
TIP 1: Follow the "Platinum Rule": Do unto others as they would have you to do unto them.
TIP 2: When you would like your partner to be supportive… don’t forget to ASK.
Rather than assuming that your partner would like to receive the kind of support you prefer (e.g., advice), ask your partner what kind of support he or she would like.
For example, your partner may prefer that you listen to him/her “vent” about a problem without providing any feedback. Or perhaps your partner prefers to be left alone for a while when coping with a problem.
Ask your partner what type of support would work best. After you have provided support, have another conversation about how that worked for your partner and, next time, adjust accordingly.
Don’t assume that your partner will always be able to tell when you need support or how best to support you when you are stressed. Tell your partner when and how you would like to be supported in a given situation.